I went to an Ash Wednesday service. I had forgotten what kind of humbling experience it is. "From ashes you came and to ashes you will return..." was what was repeated to each person who decided that they wanted ashes on their foreheads.

This phrase was very personal to me because the same idea apparent in Ash Wednesday is very similar to a tattoo idea that has been mulling around in my head. But back to the service...

I accepted the ashes on my forehead and walked to the alter, knelt, and prayed. An interesting experience, I don't really remember the last time that I had voluntarily done that (some time in high school). But all of those memories returned to me. Even if all the other times that I had knelt at the alter were done so out of superficial piety I don't take them back.

Because of those times, today felt so

familiar.

But of course it was different too; I was a different person today kneeling at the alter than I was way back when. I was thinking that this experience may be an indication that I am coming back and coming back through a post-modern lens. Only time will tell. In-any-matter, my attitude today was different than it had been before. I realized that I actually do need help sometimes; I actually do need some justification for my actions; I actually do need some grace in my life.

"from ashes you came and to ashes you will return..."
"the world is moving on..."
"remember your mortality; remember that you will die..."

It was a new and humbling experience at the alter today. Sometimes we forget how our lives are really just a minor blip of existence in comparison. Are our lives any less pertinent or meaningful? No, not at all;it is just nice to put things into perspective.

I wrote to share this new thing that happened to me today. Still, some of this time felt so

very

familiar.

It is so interesting to see what memories are so closely tied with the music that was being played at the same time. There are countless songs in which instantaneous memories are flashed in my mind.

Many times this is completely irritable. Most of these memories are of better times had- what had gone sour? what had gone terribly wrong? what had gone only a little wrong?

But I find myself at a point now in which I am able to remember the good times-the magical times-the unforgettable times-the bad times that went with these songs. What a waste would it be for me to not experience these songs again?

What a waste would it be for me to forget the past?
What a waste it would be for me to move on?




Now, my only regret is that I am listening alone now. No, I am not asking for commitment. No, I am not asking for anyone in particular. I simply find myself thinking, "This is too wonderful for anyone to listen to alone."

[well, I had already made half of a decent blog but then accidently deleted it. What follows is an attempt to recreate those words only using a fraction of the dexterity used before.]

I am experiencing some mental strife and I am having difficulties expressing it. In retrospect, what I would initially write to describe this is nothing that I haven't mentioned before in one of these interweb journals before.

Let me explain the situation that I am finding myself in as I type. The apartment that I am sitting in is empty. In actuality, the apartment complex that I find myself in is empty. Most of the friends that I have maintained/made are not within 30 miles of my location and will not be for at least another week or so.

I promise you that this is no pity party for your dear narrator. I am fully and completely aware that I have all the of tools and materials necessary to be adventurous and take a little 'vaca.'

What is keeping me from doing so? Well, I don't know how to use any tools or materials and I...
may be afraid of doing something on my own.

Switching gears for a slight moment, something needs to be said about expectation and any fruitless plans made for the future. I apologize for writing so abstractly. I understand that this is not culpable for quality writing but I have chosen to do so to protect the names and character of the innocent folks involved in my stories. But this point is still the same: planning ahead seems fruitless and expectations are surely to either a.) fall short; or b.) limit the possibilities for surprise or something greater.

The latter of these two phenomenon is something that is striking to me now. What happened to living in the moment for every moment? What happened to being in the moment for some of the moments? I've tried to maintain this wonder in my life; I am getting better but leagues of work needs to be done.



I always feel like a broken record when writing these blogs- Even my metaphors are repeated constantly. If writing my thoughts, even in a poorly done fashion, wasn't so therapeutic, I would certainly be wasting my time.


So in conclusion, I will try to leave with some new thought. Ok, I was afraid to do this but here it is anyways: I have had some romantic conundrums and mishaps this past year. Through these instances I have learned this things:

1.) I have hurt several people and I feel great remorse for some of the decisions that I have made that have hurt them. There were times that I acted too strongly from my heart, times that I acted too strongly from my mind, and times that I had acted too strongly from my spirit. Through my mistakes, I am learning to synthesize all of these three facets of love.

2.) I still don't know what I am looking for in a relationship. Speaking of expectations and planning ahead, something recent has unexpectedly happened and it looks like it has potential to be a good thing. I just hope that I don't strike out on this deal.

3.) It has been a very long time since I have gone this long without being in a committed relationship. There are just as many reasons for this being the case as there are ways that I feel about it. However, there does seem to be a recurring subconscious fear of ending up a lonely person. I would assume that other people have these fears as well.

I would like to be in a committed relationship. However, I understanding that jumping into something will not solve any problems. As I am trying to maintain some kind of mystic living in the moment, I will patiently wait. I feel that I have been waiting patiently for one thing or another for quite some time now. I suppose that I must keep on and persevere.

EDIT:: I forgot to add something that a friend had said to me today that I think is completely applicable to this post and it meant something to me. He said,

"People say that we only use 10% of our brains. I say that we only use 10% of our hearts."

It was like nothing I have ever seen. I looked behind and saw that the crowd was silent, unmoving. The scene looked as if everyone in the room was fixated on the greatest story ever told.

...and I am beginning to believe that they were.

You can name all the general editors, publication locations and dates in most of the commentaries.

You get excited by looking at a friends new title page format.

You spend time discussing which font and documentation format is most aesthetically pleasing.

You know the interlibrary loan worker by name.

You read until all the lines go blurry and you pass out in a coma.

You get offended if there are several others also studying on the third floor.

Sources older than 5-10 years make you sad.

You have a fairly large amount of overdue fines.

You hide books so that others can not check them out.

...any others?