[well, I had already made half of a decent blog but then accidently deleted it. What follows is an attempt to recreate those words only using a fraction of the dexterity used before.]
I am experiencing some mental strife and I am having difficulties expressing it. In retrospect, what I would initially write to describe this is nothing that I haven't mentioned before in one of these interweb journals before.
Let me explain the situation that I am finding myself in as I type. The apartment that I am sitting in is empty. In actuality, the apartment complex that I find myself in is empty. Most of the friends that I have maintained/made are not within 30 miles of my location and will not be for at least another week or so.
I promise you that this is no pity party for your dear narrator. I am fully and completely aware that I have all the of tools and materials necessary to be adventurous and take a little 'vaca.'
What is keeping me from doing so? Well, I don't know how to use any tools or materials and I...
may be afraid of doing something on my own.
Switching gears for a slight moment, something needs to be said about expectation and any fruitless plans made for the future. I apologize for writing so abstractly. I understand that this is not culpable for quality writing but I have chosen to do so to protect the names and character of the innocent folks involved in my stories. But this point is still the same: planning ahead seems fruitless and expectations are surely to either a.) fall short; or b.) limit the possibilities for surprise or something greater.
The latter of these two phenomenon is something that is striking to me now. What happened to living in the moment for every moment? What happened to being in the moment for some of the moments? I've tried to maintain this wonder in my life; I am getting better but leagues of work needs to be done.
I always feel like a broken record when writing these blogs- Even my metaphors are repeated constantly. If writing my thoughts, even in a poorly done fashion, wasn't so therapeutic, I would certainly be wasting my time.
So in conclusion, I will try to leave with some new thought. Ok, I was afraid to do this but here it is anyways: I have had some romantic conundrums and mishaps this past year. Through these instances I have learned this things:
1.) I have hurt several people and I feel great remorse for some of the decisions that I have made that have hurt them. There were times that I acted too strongly from my heart, times that I acted too strongly from my mind, and times that I had acted too strongly from my spirit. Through my mistakes, I am learning to synthesize all of these three facets of love.
2.) I still don't know what I am looking for in a relationship. Speaking of expectations and planning ahead, something recent has unexpectedly happened and it looks like it has potential to be a good thing. I just hope that I don't strike out on this deal.
3.) It has been a very long time since I have gone this long without being in a committed relationship. There are just as many reasons for this being the case as there are ways that I feel about it. However, there does seem to be a recurring subconscious fear of ending up a lonely person. I would assume that other people have these fears as well.
I would like to be in a committed relationship. However, I understanding that jumping into something will not solve any problems. As I am trying to maintain some kind of mystic living in the moment, I will patiently wait. I feel that I have been waiting patiently for one thing or another for quite some time now. I suppose that I must keep on and persevere.
EDIT:: I forgot to add something that a friend had said to me today that I think is completely applicable to this post and it meant something to me. He said,
"People say that we only use 10% of our brains. I say that we only use 10% of our hearts."
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