I had a meeting with one of my professors recently to discuss my senior project. Coincidentally, we ended up talking about many different things- grad school, women, work, spirituality, religion, and our respective childhoods.
For some reason, I remembered with stark clarity an observation he had outwardly professed about myself. He said that this phenomenon is something that will follow me for the rest of my life. This fatefully determining statement was this: I will never find myself completely initiated into any group. I will never find myself feeling that I completely belong to any group.
With this statement he mostly referring to religious academia and religious practice. Yes, I am academic and I can relate to academics...but I would not call myself an academic. I am simply not on par with a lot of my peers. On the other hand, I am mystical and pay much attention to the heart and spirit of religion...but without any cognitive structure I am lost in that group. It truly is upsetting that these two groups of religion are so distinctly separated.
I consider this professor to be one of the most brilliant and self aware individuals that I have ever met and I value his opinion and hold it in high regard. While his statement to me may have been grim, I think it to be true as well. This is kind of how my life has progressed: I don't have many (if any at all) friends or groups of friends that I have maintained strong relationships for more than a few years. There are seldom times that I feel true belonging.
I hope that I am not writing in any, "wow look what he said about me. me. me. me," way. I was simply showering today and remembered this moment I shared with my professor and was considering all of the consequences of his statements.
cons: I don't usually feel total initiation into the groups that I am involved in or surround me.
pros: I know a little about many groups and can relate to many people.
Geeze, these past couple of posts really seem depressing. In reality, I don't see them that way. I would consider them pragmatic and introspective. I am trying to figure myself and everything else out just like the next person.
So what do I do now? I keep my head up, be assertive, be patient (if need be), and seize the day.
Comments (1)
The journey of self-discovery is one that must be walked alone.
Also, the Dark Tower IS SO GOOD SO FAR. UNF UNF UNF